LOVE <3 LOVE <3

Friday, March 31, 2006

it's another night. when i feel the fatigue conquering my body, my mind.
but yet. i duwan myself to fall asleep. i duwan to wake up from a ever so sweet dream. and face the cold reality. the fact that u are far away from where i am.
i was on the bus. i was stoning. i was thinking about everything except things that makes me happy. abt myself. my life. my decisions. my capabilities. my everything. i began to lose trust in myself again. i watched tv. and i saw myself in my mind. the things i had done to hurt people. the things i haf said to discourage people. the wrong me in the past. but am i still the same? am i still hurting people? am i still using the discouraging tone when i talk to some people? am i still wrong?
and i began to wonder. what do people actually see me as? more sociable than solitude? or the other way round? i think im liking solitude more and more. i duno why. but i no longer mind people seeing me alone. or maybe i do sometimes, when i don feel good. but not as much as before. when i noise used to keep me company. now, somehow, i feel annoyed when there is too much unneccessary noise interupting my train of thots, my reflections. todae, mark lee said enjoying solitude doesnt mean that u are weird, outcasted, ostracized. solitude does not haf a negative note. in fact, spending time alone will allow u to have time to urself, reflecting on urself, trying to make urself a better person. in a different way of viewing such a simple yet complex word, u can how different an optimist and pessimist can think.
perhaps, im doing too much of that. and that creates a totally different me. i duno if its a good change or bad change. maybe im getting tooo serious about how my life shud be run. i mean there is still a pretty long way to go. and i noe i will tire myself out soon at this rate im sorta depressing myself. but seriously, im feeling the tireness alrd. maybe its just the environment. and the people arnd me. perhaps, trying hard is not a good thing afterall. some call it striving for excellence. but some call it ambitious.
forget it. i don think anione will understand all these crap fully. im a little delirious. im just a little upset. maybe some people can live without me. but i certainly cant live without some people. what if i die tomorrow? who will be there at my wake? who will cry? who will blame themselves for not doing enough when i was still around? who will?
i have yet to think about my last words before i go. this shows that im not ready yet. and im not ready to let some special group of friends live without me yet. and even when your life stops. life still goes on for everyone, eventually.
forever dont exist. maybe love dont too. they are merely words and actions, to make u feel pampered. for just awhile. cos when u feel loved, its not a good thing. cos the day will come when they stop loving u. the day will eventually come. its just a matter of time.

if only i could be perfect in ur eyes.

shedded at 9:12 AM